Blast from the Past

My aunt sent me some pics she found on my grandmothers computer - which Snapfish lost (but insists they didn't lose). I'm so thankful they were saved somewhere!

I was flipping through them, and was struck by this one - well, many of them. This tiny baby doesn't resemble my strong, athletic, track star of today.

I don't much recognize the mother in this picture either. Forced smile, bags under the eyes, scrawny, pale. Time is a funny thing, it has transported us to such a different place today than where we were almost eight years ago.

Gavin would have been around 12 days old in this picture. He was off the vent by the time I was able to first see him, but went back on at 10 days due to an infection that wiped out all his energy for breathing on his own. This was not the first time I held him (probably about the third time).

Working Mommy Wednesday: Back to Work

I haven't done this for a while, so I thought I would actually participate in the Working Mommy Wednesday question (courtesy of Julia): Maternity Leave - How long did you take? Were you ready to come back? How did you survive/manage? Tips for new moms returning to work?.


With Gavin, I had just been at my job for a few months. If you were there less than a year, you only had 4 weeks paid short term leave @ 100% and then no pay. I used up three of those weeks in the hospital on bed rest, so by the time Gavin was born I only had one paid week remaining. This was my first real job out of college (read: we were young and didn't have tons of money) so I couldn't afford to take a lot of unpaid leave.

Oh yeah, and he was in the NICU being cared for by nurses, not me remember?


I decided to go back to work after three weeks. Yep, I said it THREE WEEKS! My recovery time was next to zero since he was so tiny and I figured if I was going to take unpaid leave, it might as well be when he got home, not while he was in the hospital. At that point he was still hooked up to all sorts of stuff, it's not like I could hold him all day. I woke up at 5, went to the hospital, fed him, went to work, came back over lunch, fed him, back to work, back to hospital after work, then home to sleep. Such was my life for a little over 2 months. He happened to come home right before Thanksgiving, so I had a little vacation time remaining to use, plus the paid holiday days, and spent another week or so home with him. Still not much, but something. Chad worked at QT at the time with an odd schedule and my mom took Friday's off to watch him, so he was only with a sitter a few hours a week. That made it much easier to go back to work after he was home.

It really wasn't that hard to go back to work. It was probably good for me when he was in the hospital because I couldn't obsess over him every second. I think that having something to keep my mind occupied was good for all of us in the long run.

Sam was a different story. I had short term disability that covered the time I was on bed rest in the hospital, as well as 6 weeks post-delivery. I ended up taking a few extra days off so that my return date was a Monday. The first 17 days were spent in the NICU. I had been going to work early prior to having him 6 or so in the morning and coming home earlier, so I continued to get up and to the NICU early since Gavin was used to it. Then I would pick him up from day care and spend the evenings with him.


It was amazing to have 4 weeks home with Sam. I didn't know what that was with Gavin. I don't think I barely put him down for the entire time (his reflux made it hard, but I also just wanted to soak up all that time). I definitely didn't feel as ready to go back to work with Sam. I wanted the adult interaction and the mental stimulation, but it was hard to let go of that bonding time, especially since I felt like I was robbed of it with Gavin.

How did I manage? It's easy. I have a ridiculous work ethic. When I'm there, I'm committed to doing my job. I'm focused, and driven, and that's how I survive. I made a point to pump every three hours, roughly, no matter what. Just b/c I worked didn't mean I was going to let my kids miss out on that.




As far as tips go - I think I would just say make sure you find caretakers that you trust, that are reliable. That don't mind if you call to check in a million times a day. I liked that my day care wrote down every bottle, diaper change, nap - I felt like I was still in the loop somewhat. It's not easy, but eventually you find your "normal". And the biggest tip: once you've made up your mind to work, not work, go back to work: don't second guess, and don't apologize. You're the only person that knows what is right for your family.

I have started feeling better after being sick for a few days, Mom can tell I am starting to get back to my squirrely self! The good news is that they were able to continue feeding me this whole time, I have tolerated the feedings well, and they keep increasing how much I get. Right now it is just being dripped through a feeding tube that goes in my mouth and down to my tummy. Hopefully I will be off the vent soon.

I came off the ventilator today. I tried the CPAP, but then had to switch to the cycled CPAP a little later. The cycled just means it gives a little more pressure with the oxygen so that I don't have to work so hard to expand my lungs with each breath. There is a small chance that I may have to go back on the vent, but the doctors are really trying to avoid it.

Today was a scary day, I came down with a blood born staph infection. While Mom knew there was an extremely high chance of that, she wasn't prepared for what it would do to me. I had to go back on the ventilator since fighting the infection has taken all of my energy and I don't have enough left to breathe very well. They have started antibiotics and say that I should start feeling better in a couple days.

The staff was pretty ambitious today! Gavin was moved out of the little humidity tent and into an isolette. They also tried him on a nasal cannula instead of the CPAP. A CPAP maintains a constant pressure in the lungs so it is not so much work to expand them to breathe in, a nasal cannula just flows a blend of air/O2 in the nose. But he wasn't quite ready for it yet, and went back to the CPAP within a couple hours.

I got to meet my great-grandparents Lois and Joe this weekend! Thanks for coming all this way to visit me!

Mom got to hold me for the first time tonight!

After almost 3 weeks in the hospital, Mom finally got to go home today. Gavin, it broke our hearts to have to leave you there, but we know that you are in great hands. We are ecstatic that you have gotten off to such an amazing start. You are our little miracle, and you are such a fighter! Draw on that strength and the strength of all the people that love you in the months ahead.

This is the day that I made my appearance! It was very exciting...there were so many people there to greet me! I came out screaming with my eyes wide open, so Mom and Dad knew right away I was a little fighter. They even got to hold my hands when I was trying to pull the intubation tube out of my throat! Then Dad came with my to the NICU while they got me all set up in my room - 217 in Blank Children's Hospital. My lungs were pretty good because Mom got steroid shots while she was in the hospital....I only had to be on the ventilator for 6 hours, that really impressed the doctors! Mom and Dad visited me several times that day....Mom even got to change my diaper! I was 2 pounds, 5 ounces and 14 1/2 inches long when I was born. They put me on a warmer bed under a little tent that kept the humidity high, since my skin was very thin. I had a little eye mask on because of the bili rubin lights that kept me from getting jaundiced. Even though I was SO little and early (27 weeks) the doctors knew I would be ok, they even predicted I could be out within 2 months! Any time before my due date (November 26th) would be great!