The title pretty much sums up how I am feeling after this weekend.
I write this not because I really love exposing our dirty secrets, but because I hope it will help other people that find themselves in a similar situation.
Parenting is hard sometimes.
We had an amazing birthday party Friday night at the Ramada Tropics water park hotel (more on that and pictures later).
Then Saturday and Sunday happened. Sam was naughtier than usual - just not listening at all - typical 3 yr old stuff, but still doesn't make life easier. Gavin's behavior was about the worst it's ever been. Usually no one sees it. Usually it's something that's been kept hidden and private, and he's good everywhere else, but not this weekend.
It wasn't only that it happened in front of others, it was the frequency and magnitude that pushed me over the edge. When I start to get a little panicky feeling, when I start to be slightly afraid.....I know we need help.
I know it shouldn't feel like failure. How many doctors and specialists has Gavin seen? Why is a counselor any different?
I'm not entirely sold on the nurture vs nature debate. I guess I've always sort of tended towards nurture, but that's because I am a control freak, and it makes me feel better if I think if I do things just right, then I get to control the outcome (positively). I feel like his behavior is a reflection of me as a parent. I love this child so much, how could I have led him astray like this?
Then I wonder if it's not nurture - is it because he was born early? Was it the oxygen, the exposure to medications, his brain bleeds, his underdeveloped brain having to endure experiences and sensations that most people don't have to go through in a lifetime? Is this due to my failure to carry him to term?
Again, I know it's not my fault. But it still feels like failure on top of guilt on top of failure. Perhaps I am the one that needs counseling.
I spoke with the school guidance counselor last night about what has been going on. I explained that he has always been an emotional child. Once - in Kindergarten when it got sort of bad, she had given us some good advice then. For a time he was putting himself in his room when he needed some space, and then life has been pretty good for a couple years.
Now this. He's been doing fine at school. I just assumed that nothing bothered him at school. She assured me that there are tons of ways that kids get irritated at school, and if he's not losing his temper there, then he has the skill set to control it. Now we need to figure out why he is failing to use those tools at home. Has it become a habit? Is his willpower just to worn out by the time he gets home? Is there some stress in the home that we are not realizing? Is it a response to the way we as parents are reacting to him?
She is sending home information about counseling and some resources. We'll approach it from the stand point that this is not acceptable behavior, and we are going to work together to find tools for controlling our anger. I'm ready to find something that works. I'm ready to put in the work to turn this around. She did say that this is sort of the critical age to learn these skills now, otherwise it gets harder to change.
If anyone out there has experiences to share - please email me or leave a note in the comments. I know most parents struggle with their kids at one point or another, you just don't see what happens behind closed doors - just the Christmas card version of a family. It's helpful to hear other people's experiences.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Behavior Flare Up
It's been a rough week. First off, let me put out there that Gavin, by and large, is a great kid. He is (mostly) sweet, loving, funny, patient, hard working, and sensitive.
But sometimes there is an alternate personality that rears it's ugly head. It's not all the times, and I don't know if it's in regular intervals, so I am documenting it here, perhaps if I do this every time I can trace a pattern.
When these "behavior flare ups", for lack of a better word, happen - his patience is short, he flies off the handle quickly when aggravated (mostly by his brother), he backtalks something awful, and he gets aggressive. Not physical, but he has pushed Sam away a little rougher than appropriate, and he will make menacing gestures.
If you've seen Gav on a good day, well, this is a complete 180.
This is only at home. He behaves very well, always, at school.
Some situational factors going on right now: the teen suicides in our community created quite a stressful week in our district, with the news flying through the schools, having to have tough conversations with kids not really able to process such information, on top of that, they had been all prepped and ready for district assessment tests, and they were postponed until this week.
Not as many sports going on right now - not as much physical outlet.
District tests - he doesn't seem too worried about them, but it's a change in routine, and he's not great with change in routine.
Other things I think may contribute are lack of consistency in taking his vitamins and being hungry. He's not doing a great job eating all his lunch (they only get 20 minutes and he is both meticulous and chatty), and they don't get an afternoon snack (however this is changing next week with the new "class law" that the students legislated on during their government unit).
It's tough. When his behavior is like this, I get stressed, uptight, grumpy. The house is yelling and chaos. Sam likes to get him even more riled up. I worry that Sam is picking up on bad habits when he sees Gav act this way. Mostly I feel like a failure as a parent, because it sucks to see your kid out of control.
Things we are going to be trying:
Praise good choices/behaviors often (last night he asked us why we were thanking him all the time!)
Change vitamin routine to dinner time to try to get these in daily (I failed last night - already)
Do a better job of keeping our cool and not yelling to model appropriate behavior ourselves
Respond immediately when Sam is picking on him so he doesn't feel like we are letting him be attacked or bullied
Give him more 1:1 attention
Any ideas out there? I'll take them!
But sometimes there is an alternate personality that rears it's ugly head. It's not all the times, and I don't know if it's in regular intervals, so I am documenting it here, perhaps if I do this every time I can trace a pattern.
When these "behavior flare ups", for lack of a better word, happen - his patience is short, he flies off the handle quickly when aggravated (mostly by his brother), he backtalks something awful, and he gets aggressive. Not physical, but he has pushed Sam away a little rougher than appropriate, and he will make menacing gestures.
If you've seen Gav on a good day, well, this is a complete 180.
This is only at home. He behaves very well, always, at school.
Some situational factors going on right now: the teen suicides in our community created quite a stressful week in our district, with the news flying through the schools, having to have tough conversations with kids not really able to process such information, on top of that, they had been all prepped and ready for district assessment tests, and they were postponed until this week.
Not as many sports going on right now - not as much physical outlet.
District tests - he doesn't seem too worried about them, but it's a change in routine, and he's not great with change in routine.
Other things I think may contribute are lack of consistency in taking his vitamins and being hungry. He's not doing a great job eating all his lunch (they only get 20 minutes and he is both meticulous and chatty), and they don't get an afternoon snack (however this is changing next week with the new "class law" that the students legislated on during their government unit).
It's tough. When his behavior is like this, I get stressed, uptight, grumpy. The house is yelling and chaos. Sam likes to get him even more riled up. I worry that Sam is picking up on bad habits when he sees Gav act this way. Mostly I feel like a failure as a parent, because it sucks to see your kid out of control.
Things we are going to be trying:
Praise good choices/behaviors often (last night he asked us why we were thanking him all the time!)
Change vitamin routine to dinner time to try to get these in daily (I failed last night - already)
Do a better job of keeping our cool and not yelling to model appropriate behavior ourselves
Respond immediately when Sam is picking on him so he doesn't feel like we are letting him be attacked or bullied
Give him more 1:1 attention
Any ideas out there? I'll take them!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Fear
Cancer, pedophiles, drunk drivers....there are so many things to fear once you have a family.
Today our school district was struck with the news that two boys committed suicide over the weekend. One of Gavin's classmates mom works with me, and one of the families lives two doors down from them. Great kid, responsible, involved in track. How does this happen?
If we can't answer that question, how do we prevent it from happening?
I exchanged an email with Gavin's teacher, trying to get a pulse on what the students were told, and what the environment is at school today. ITBS (Iowa Tests of Basic Skills) was supposed to start today, but is now postponed. At the elementary school, the kids were simply told that two boys died, but of course, stories and rumors are already flying.
Tonight I will hold my 7 yr old close and try to explain to him that two people took their own lives. As hard as that task is, it's so much better to hear the truth from me than from whatever sensationalized story he hears on the playground or the bus. He will sit there and look at me innocently, not understanding the weight of what's at hand. Or he will be deeply troubled by it, internalizing what I am saying. I don't know.
I will try to tell him that it's ok to feel sad, but never to hurt yourself. That there are so many people that love him. That it's normal to feel down, and that he needs to find people to talk to if he feels this way. He will ask me why this happened, and I won't know how to answer.
We'll finish with a conversation about rumors and gossip, about the importance to respect the families of the boys, and not to feed into the talk going around school. He'll probably hop up and go on with his evening, maybe a little happy that his tests were delayed.
But he'll be so slightly changed. Less innocent. More aware that bad things happen. I'm more aware that bad things happen.
This is the hard part of parenting you never think about. The part where scary things happen to nice people. I find myself searching the news articles for signs that these were bad parents, or kids with a troubled past, a history of mental illness. Something, anything, that allows me to say "well, this can't happen to me".
If you are the praying type, please say some prayers for these families. Pray that our community finds the right words to speak to our children. And that we find ways to prevent these senseless tragedies from happening again. It's becoming all too common in schools across the country.
Today our school district was struck with the news that two boys committed suicide over the weekend. One of Gavin's classmates mom works with me, and one of the families lives two doors down from them. Great kid, responsible, involved in track. How does this happen?
If we can't answer that question, how do we prevent it from happening?
I exchanged an email with Gavin's teacher, trying to get a pulse on what the students were told, and what the environment is at school today. ITBS (Iowa Tests of Basic Skills) was supposed to start today, but is now postponed. At the elementary school, the kids were simply told that two boys died, but of course, stories and rumors are already flying.
Tonight I will hold my 7 yr old close and try to explain to him that two people took their own lives. As hard as that task is, it's so much better to hear the truth from me than from whatever sensationalized story he hears on the playground or the bus. He will sit there and look at me innocently, not understanding the weight of what's at hand. Or he will be deeply troubled by it, internalizing what I am saying. I don't know.
I will try to tell him that it's ok to feel sad, but never to hurt yourself. That there are so many people that love him. That it's normal to feel down, and that he needs to find people to talk to if he feels this way. He will ask me why this happened, and I won't know how to answer.
We'll finish with a conversation about rumors and gossip, about the importance to respect the families of the boys, and not to feed into the talk going around school. He'll probably hop up and go on with his evening, maybe a little happy that his tests were delayed.
But he'll be so slightly changed. Less innocent. More aware that bad things happen. I'm more aware that bad things happen.
This is the hard part of parenting you never think about. The part where scary things happen to nice people. I find myself searching the news articles for signs that these were bad parents, or kids with a troubled past, a history of mental illness. Something, anything, that allows me to say "well, this can't happen to me".
If you are the praying type, please say some prayers for these families. Pray that our community finds the right words to speak to our children. And that we find ways to prevent these senseless tragedies from happening again. It's becoming all too common in schools across the country.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
"Grave" conversation
A couple weeks ago, I was driving Gavin out to the Walnut Ridge recreation center in Johnston for his half mile fun run. Which he did GREAT in by the way! Under 4 1/2 minutes for a half mile, and he beat a lot of kids older than him (it was a K - 5 event).
On the way, along Beaver Drive by Camp Dodge there is a cemetary. Gavin told me he wanted to go there one day.
Why do you want to go to the cemetary?
To see my stone
What stone honey?
My stone - doesn't everybody have a stone? I want to see my stone
And then I realized what he was talking about.
Honey, you don't have a stone in the cemetary. Most people don't have stones until they die. Sometimes people get them earlier if they know where they want to be buried. But you don't have one.
Oh, well can we go look at other people's stones?
Man, these conversations sure get harder! I have to say I got pretty somber after that one. I couldn't imagine that one day, Gavin will have a stone. Hopefully, not for a very long time after I do. But still, what a reminder that our time, everyone's time, is limited.
And you know what the most amazing thing is about having a 6 yr old that is full of wonder and innocence and not afraid to ask about whatever is on his mind? He quite often jolts me out of my busy, pre-occupied world and reminds what is truly important, just when I need it most.
On the way, along Beaver Drive by Camp Dodge there is a cemetary. Gavin told me he wanted to go there one day.
Why do you want to go to the cemetary?
To see my stone
What stone honey?
My stone - doesn't everybody have a stone? I want to see my stone
And then I realized what he was talking about.
Honey, you don't have a stone in the cemetary. Most people don't have stones until they die. Sometimes people get them earlier if they know where they want to be buried. But you don't have one.
Oh, well can we go look at other people's stones?
Man, these conversations sure get harder! I have to say I got pretty somber after that one. I couldn't imagine that one day, Gavin will have a stone. Hopefully, not for a very long time after I do. But still, what a reminder that our time, everyone's time, is limited.
And you know what the most amazing thing is about having a 6 yr old that is full of wonder and innocence and not afraid to ask about whatever is on his mind? He quite often jolts me out of my busy, pre-occupied world and reminds what is truly important, just when I need it most.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Working Mommy Wednesday: Back to Work
I haven't done this for a while, so I thought I would actually participate in the Working Mommy Wednesday question (courtesy of Julia): Maternity Leave - How long did you take? Were you ready to come back? How did you survive/manage? Tips for new moms returning to work?.
With Gavin, I had just been at my job for a few months. If you were there less than a year, you only had 4 weeks paid short term leave @ 100% and then no pay. I used up three of those weeks in the hospital on bed rest, so by the time Gavin was born I only had one paid week remaining. This was my first real job out of college (read: we were young and didn't have tons of money) so I couldn't afford to take a lot of unpaid leave.
Oh yeah, and he was in the NICU being cared for by nurses, not me remember?
I decided to go back to work after three weeks. Yep, I said it THREE WEEKS! My recovery time was next to zero since he was so tiny and I figured if I was going to take unpaid leave, it might as well be when he got home, not while he was in the hospital. At that point he was still hooked up to all sorts of stuff, it's not like I could hold him all day. I woke up at 5, went to the hospital, fed him, went to work, came back over lunch, fed him, back to work, back to hospital after work, then home to sleep. Such was my life for a little over 2 months. He happened to come home right before Thanksgiving, so I had a little vacation time remaining to use, plus the paid holiday days, and spent another week or so home with him. Still not much, but something. Chad worked at QT at the time with an odd schedule and my mom took Friday's off to watch him, so he was only with a sitter a few hours a week. That made it much easier to go back to work after he was home.
It really wasn't that hard to go back to work. It was probably good for me when he was in the hospital because I couldn't obsess over him every second. I think that having something to keep my mind occupied was good for all of us in the long run.
Sam was a different story. I had short term disability that covered the time I was on bed rest in the hospital, as well as 6 weeks post-delivery. I ended up taking a few extra days off so that my return date was a Monday. The first 17 days were spent in the NICU. I had been going to work early prior to having him 6 or so in the morning and coming home earlier, so I continued to get up and to the NICU early since Gavin was used to it. Then I would pick him up from day care and spend the evenings with him.
It was amazing to have 4 weeks home with Sam. I didn't know what that was with Gavin. I don't think I barely put him down for the entire time (his reflux made it hard, but I also just wanted to soak up all that time). I definitely didn't feel as ready to go back to work with Sam. I wanted the adult interaction and the mental stimulation, but it was hard to let go of that bonding time, especially since I felt like I was robbed of it with Gavin.
How did I manage? It's easy. I have a ridiculous work ethic. When I'm there, I'm committed to doing my job. I'm focused, and driven, and that's how I survive. I made a point to pump every three hours, roughly, no matter what. Just b/c I worked didn't mean I was going to let my kids miss out on that.
As far as tips go - I think I would just say make sure you find caretakers that you trust, that are reliable. That don't mind if you call to check in a million times a day. I liked that my day care wrote down every bottle, diaper change, nap - I felt like I was still in the loop somewhat. It's not easy, but eventually you find your "normal". And the biggest tip: once you've made up your mind to work, not work, go back to work: don't second guess, and don't apologize. You're the only person that knows what is right for your family.
With Gavin, I had just been at my job for a few months. If you were there less than a year, you only had 4 weeks paid short term leave @ 100% and then no pay. I used up three of those weeks in the hospital on bed rest, so by the time Gavin was born I only had one paid week remaining. This was my first real job out of college (read: we were young and didn't have tons of money) so I couldn't afford to take a lot of unpaid leave.
Oh yeah, and he was in the NICU being cared for by nurses, not me remember?
I decided to go back to work after three weeks. Yep, I said it THREE WEEKS! My recovery time was next to zero since he was so tiny and I figured if I was going to take unpaid leave, it might as well be when he got home, not while he was in the hospital. At that point he was still hooked up to all sorts of stuff, it's not like I could hold him all day. I woke up at 5, went to the hospital, fed him, went to work, came back over lunch, fed him, back to work, back to hospital after work, then home to sleep. Such was my life for a little over 2 months. He happened to come home right before Thanksgiving, so I had a little vacation time remaining to use, plus the paid holiday days, and spent another week or so home with him. Still not much, but something. Chad worked at QT at the time with an odd schedule and my mom took Friday's off to watch him, so he was only with a sitter a few hours a week. That made it much easier to go back to work after he was home.
It really wasn't that hard to go back to work. It was probably good for me when he was in the hospital because I couldn't obsess over him every second. I think that having something to keep my mind occupied was good for all of us in the long run.
Sam was a different story. I had short term disability that covered the time I was on bed rest in the hospital, as well as 6 weeks post-delivery. I ended up taking a few extra days off so that my return date was a Monday. The first 17 days were spent in the NICU. I had been going to work early prior to having him 6 or so in the morning and coming home earlier, so I continued to get up and to the NICU early since Gavin was used to it. Then I would pick him up from day care and spend the evenings with him.
It was amazing to have 4 weeks home with Sam. I didn't know what that was with Gavin. I don't think I barely put him down for the entire time (his reflux made it hard, but I also just wanted to soak up all that time). I definitely didn't feel as ready to go back to work with Sam. I wanted the adult interaction and the mental stimulation, but it was hard to let go of that bonding time, especially since I felt like I was robbed of it with Gavin.
How did I manage? It's easy. I have a ridiculous work ethic. When I'm there, I'm committed to doing my job. I'm focused, and driven, and that's how I survive. I made a point to pump every three hours, roughly, no matter what. Just b/c I worked didn't mean I was going to let my kids miss out on that.
As far as tips go - I think I would just say make sure you find caretakers that you trust, that are reliable. That don't mind if you call to check in a million times a day. I liked that my day care wrote down every bottle, diaper change, nap - I felt like I was still in the loop somewhat. It's not easy, but eventually you find your "normal". And the biggest tip: once you've made up your mind to work, not work, go back to work: don't second guess, and don't apologize. You're the only person that knows what is right for your family.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
When SuperMoms Fail
It's not easy trying to "have it all". Not that it's easy being a stay at home parent - I know that presents it's own set of challenges. But I can only speak to mine.
When both parents work (or you're a single working parent) it's hard because you have your full time job and then there's all the kid stuff and house stuff on top of that. I basically take care of the kid schedule stuff. I pack lunch, make sure I know when the special theme days are for school, keep track of what days we need to be where for activities. In general, I think I do a pretty darn good job, especially given that being organized does not come naturally to me.
Every day at the summer program they either go on a field trip or have a special theme day at the school. I looked at the calendar and got all Gavin's gear together for "wacky water day". Which was great until we got to school and it was "super hero day". I had looked at the wrong date on the calendar. I looked at Gavin and said "we don't really have super hero gear anyway". To which he replied "my power rangers outfit from Halloween".
Crap, crap, crap. One look in his eyes and I could see how important it was to him. I had 15 minutes to get home, find the outfit, and get back to school before he went off to class. I knew he'd freak out if he didn't actually see me return with the costume. Got home, found the costumer, found the mask (whew! i knew where the outfit was, but wasn't sure the mask was with it - see, unorganized). On the other hand it's due to my unorganization that the costumer (from last october) was still thrown on the top shelf of his closet and not down in the basement in a random, probably unlabeled tote. But I can't find the power rangers logo thing that goes on the belt. I decide to risk it and head back to school.
I got back with 5 minutes to spare only to find Gavin sitting at a table all by himself crying his eyes out! When I asked what was wrong, he said "I didn't think you were coming back".
One of the counselors was coming around gathering up kids for the reading class review, so I had him pull it together and told him his costume would be in his backpack for when he was done.
I headed to work feeling horrible. When had I let him down before that he would ever doubt that I was coming back (when I said I would be back with the costume)? Plenty of people will let him down in his lifetime, he should never expect me to be one of them!
But, even SuperMom fails from time to time, I suppose. He was happy when I picked him up and has been so good this evening, so I can only assume he had a good day (inquiries about his day usually yield a response of "i don't remember").
And then, just now, I looked over on the counter and caught a glimpse of a piece of paper Gavin had been writing on. SuperMom's can't fail with boys that write this:
"Momee yor the best"
When both parents work (or you're a single working parent) it's hard because you have your full time job and then there's all the kid stuff and house stuff on top of that. I basically take care of the kid schedule stuff. I pack lunch, make sure I know when the special theme days are for school, keep track of what days we need to be where for activities. In general, I think I do a pretty darn good job, especially given that being organized does not come naturally to me.
Every day at the summer program they either go on a field trip or have a special theme day at the school. I looked at the calendar and got all Gavin's gear together for "wacky water day". Which was great until we got to school and it was "super hero day". I had looked at the wrong date on the calendar. I looked at Gavin and said "we don't really have super hero gear anyway". To which he replied "my power rangers outfit from Halloween".
Crap, crap, crap. One look in his eyes and I could see how important it was to him. I had 15 minutes to get home, find the outfit, and get back to school before he went off to class. I knew he'd freak out if he didn't actually see me return with the costume. Got home, found the costumer, found the mask (whew! i knew where the outfit was, but wasn't sure the mask was with it - see, unorganized). On the other hand it's due to my unorganization that the costumer (from last october) was still thrown on the top shelf of his closet and not down in the basement in a random, probably unlabeled tote. But I can't find the power rangers logo thing that goes on the belt. I decide to risk it and head back to school.
I got back with 5 minutes to spare only to find Gavin sitting at a table all by himself crying his eyes out! When I asked what was wrong, he said "I didn't think you were coming back".
One of the counselors was coming around gathering up kids for the reading class review, so I had him pull it together and told him his costume would be in his backpack for when he was done.
I headed to work feeling horrible. When had I let him down before that he would ever doubt that I was coming back (when I said I would be back with the costume)? Plenty of people will let him down in his lifetime, he should never expect me to be one of them!
But, even SuperMom fails from time to time, I suppose. He was happy when I picked him up and has been so good this evening, so I can only assume he had a good day (inquiries about his day usually yield a response of "i don't remember").
And then, just now, I looked over on the counter and caught a glimpse of a piece of paper Gavin had been writing on. SuperMom's can't fail with boys that write this:
"Momee yor the best"
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Just Call Me "That Mom"
Monday night t-ball game. Since it was a make up game, we were playing on a green space which meant no fence to keep Sam from running into the middle of the game. Let's just say that with the fence, it's hard enough to keep him happy.
And I had no extra hands as Chad was working late.
First inning I pretty well kept him occupied with eating his Happy Meal. Second inning, the toy kept him occupied. But by the third inning he was having none of it. "Send me in Mom! I can play!"
Until he discovered a puddle - we've had a TON of rain here - pretty much every day for two weeks. We were going home after the game anyway, it was a million degrees out - so I didn't think twice about letting him stomp in it - at least it gave me a chance to watch Gavin a bit.
Slowly, a circle of other children formed around the puddle, and the other moms took their focus off the game and onto their children just begging to play in the puddle. And spent the third inning making sure they didn't join in the fun.
And I was "that mom" that let my kid play in the puddle, making all the other kids want to play in the puddle.
What's the big deal anyway? What's a little water (and ok, a little dirt) going to do? I wasn't letting him play in the sewer! I found it funny, and sad. All these little ones watching sadly as Sam very joyfully played. And I didn't mind one bit being "that mom".
And I had no extra hands as Chad was working late.
First inning I pretty well kept him occupied with eating his Happy Meal. Second inning, the toy kept him occupied. But by the third inning he was having none of it. "Send me in Mom! I can play!"
Until he discovered a puddle - we've had a TON of rain here - pretty much every day for two weeks. We were going home after the game anyway, it was a million degrees out - so I didn't think twice about letting him stomp in it - at least it gave me a chance to watch Gavin a bit.
Slowly, a circle of other children formed around the puddle, and the other moms took their focus off the game and onto their children just begging to play in the puddle. And spent the third inning making sure they didn't join in the fun.
And I was "that mom" that let my kid play in the puddle, making all the other kids want to play in the puddle.
What's the big deal anyway? What's a little water (and ok, a little dirt) going to do? I wasn't letting him play in the sewer! I found it funny, and sad. All these little ones watching sadly as Sam very joyfully played. And I didn't mind one bit being "that mom".
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