I'm not crazy....or a bad parent

Edit: Wanted to clarify - no one has called me a bad parent, I just can't help but feel that I am to blame for this....working mom guilt piled on with preemie mom guilt, it gets to me some days. Also wanted to clarify that I'm not saying I don't want advice, etc, just saying that the "problem" may not be rooted in naughty behavior stemming from not getting his way, so this may require a different approach.

Well, I've been blogging a lot about our struggles with Gav's behavior. Everyone has advice and opinions, but to be honest, unless you've had a very early preemie, it's not the same. Not that I don't appreciate it!

I have found some comfort in an online support group for micro-preemies (Gavin is just on the brink of being considered "micro" weight wise, but his early # of weeks qualifies him as such). I wanted to share a couple excerpts of emails that really touched me and made me realize I am not imagining a problem that doesn't exist.

"When "xx" was in the NICU, her neo told me that when discussing the brains of extremely premature babies, it is not a question of whether their brain has sustained some damage, but in what manner the damage would manifest itself. Dr. G did not necessarily mean brain damage in the sense of a cognitive deficiency, but rather simply how the brain processes information. I have come to believe that being taken from a nice warm, watery environment at 3 months, 4 months too soon and being put in the NICU cannot come without some price, maybe it is not noticeable, or maybe the brain compensates to the point where the problem seemingly goes away. Or maybe it affects a kid like "xx" in how she processes the world around her."

"My daughter is similar as well. I wouldn't call what she does as a tantrum (maybe others would) but it is like a heart shattering experience that she has if certain things don't go as planned (today it was because I don't know how to play the Wii, it was the wrong Wii game in the Wii etc). My daughter will erupt in seconds and will end throwing up due to crying (in about 1 minute).
I do notice it escaletes when there are other stressors in her life ie)increased therapy/Dr's appointments, tired, hunger.
I cann't give any advice but just to let you know your preemie is not alone in the extreme emotional experiences. My daughter is 4.5 and it has not stopped, it comes in waves"

Even in re-reading this, it brings tears to my eyes to know that we are not unique in this. What is equally emotional for me is not knowing how to fix this. And also, the guilt of having a preemie, the feeling that my body has failed my child, returns. I thought we were past our preemie issues. I thought Gavin had "caught up". The worst part is not the toll it takes on us, but the toll it takes on him. These outbursts do nothing to help his confidence or view of himself. I'm still looking into what physiological issues may be a root cause, because if there is a way to "fix" this I will. I'm not ready to resign myself to "this is the way Gavin is". If nothing else, there has to be a way for us to teach him how to deal with these emotions in a more productive manner.

5 Months Old!

Samson is 5 months old today - can you BELIEVE it? He is getting so big, he skipped right over his 6 month onesies and is already into 9 month onesies! He must be long - 6 month rompers and shorts still fit him, but those tighter onsies make him look like a little sausage.

So for anyone wanting to buy him clothes, buy 9 month stuff for the summer, and 12 month stuff for the fall. It is so crazy to me that he is wearing now some of the clothes Gavin wore when he was 12 months old!

Milestones - Sam rolled over this weekend - once. From back to stomach. Gavin slept inhis own bed ALL NIGHT for 2 nights in a row. I've also completely stopped cereal for Sam. He was pooping regularly on the oat cereal but crying at night for a long time. I thought at first it was teeth, but stopped the cereal and he is all better.

To catch you up on the happenings around our house - last weekend was Johnston Green Days, so Saturday we went to the parade and Chad took Gavin to the carnival. But for some reason (heat? tiredness?) he majorly freaked out on a couple of the rides. This weekend Chad took Gavin to the Celtic festival at Living History Farms. Random, I know, but they had strong man type events going on, which Gavin gets a kick out of watching on TV. He came home with a very awesome "pirate stamp" (tattoo). I have a picture, will post soon.

Sunday Gamma took Gav to Ames to watch Uncle Chris play soccer and then they came over for dinner. Which led to MFO (or major freak-out).

Let's preface this story by saying that Gavin had been extremely sassy and not a good listener all weekend. Now in regards to my previous post, this kind of behavior I think would fall into the "normal" category of preschool naughtiness. I don't know what was up this weekend, but he actually flat out told me "No" when I asked him to do something - and he's usually not that sassy to me!

So on to Sunday night, and this is an example of where I think he genuinely has an issue controlling his emotions sometimes. I liken it to when I was pregnant and hormonal. Not so much with Sam, but I was a raging lunatic with Gavin. I would get SO mad at poor Chad and upset and screaming over the DUMBEST things. And then I would wake up the next morning thinking "who was that crazy person and why did she treat my husband so badly?". I really think Gavin sometimes just can't control it, and that out of control feeling just snowballs and makes the situation so much worse.

But I digress. They came back to the house and everything was great until I said it was time to sit down and eat. Gavin wanted Chad to run races around the living room. It was time to eat. He proceeded to yell and scream at the top of his lungs at us from the living room. He wouldn't eat, we tried to let him watch a show. Nothing worked. We threatened to take away the Wii. We tried ignoring him. It just escalated. What a pleasant way to eat dinner! Finally Chad put him in his room, which never works because 1) he won't stay in there and 2) even if he does, he can't calm himself down so it's pointless. Chad stayed in the room with him for a while, and then I finally went in there. SO about 45 minutes after this all started, I finally got him to settle down by laying down in his bed with him. Then I convinced him to eat a little dinner, and after that got him to apologize for his behavior.

I've ordered a vitamin D supplement because I've been reading a lot about vitamin D deficiencies lately and that it can impact behavior. He's in the sun a lot, but he is darker skinned and we are very liberal with the sunscreen, so it's worth a shot.

A friend suggested a blood test for glucose levels. Also something I am going to look into. Other than that, I am at a loss. I thought maybe the food he was eating at the "house school" was contributing to his grumpiness - he would tell us for 3 pm snack they would have fruit snacks or reeses pieces. Not sure if that was true, or if that was in addition to a healthy snack. But now that I know what he eats, since I pack his lunch, and the behavior is still not better, I am ruling out nutrition. I've also cut out a lot of fruit snacks, etc with a lot of food colorings and additives that are supposed to be really bad and affect behavior and have seen no improvement.

I'll take any ideas anyone has. Nights like last night are so disruptive. And even worse, I know they don't make Gavin feel good, and there's nothing worse than seeing your child that upset. The typical defiant preschool behavior I can handle, when I know he's acting up on purpose or to try to get what he wants. But what I will now call the MFO (major freak-out) just makes me sad.

Prematurity and Behavior

"Certain brain areas of children who are born prematurely appear to be smaller than normal and remain that way even by the time they're in the third grade. The differences concerned the areas of the cerebral cortex responsible for reading, language, emotion and behavior. They were more pronounced in boys than in girls, says a study appearing in the August issue of the Journal of Pediatrics."

Lately I have been doing a lot of research on behavior. Now don't get me wrong, Gavin can be one of the sweetest kids on the planet, as is hugely evidenced by his tremendous love of his brother. And Chad said it best the other day "He really wants to do the right thing."

But Gavin is EMOTIONAL. Sometimes the tiniest things set him off. Most kids are grumpy when hungry or tired, Gavin is downright, well a total nightmare. I would think by now the tantrums would be getting better, but they are not. I feel like we do the right things as parents. We say no. We sometimes say yes to show we are flexible and can compromise, as I've read we are supposed to.

I've learned that preemies have a hard time with "gray area". In which case I may be doing him a disservice by letting him drink pop occasionally. Maybe he can't understand that it's a "sometimes" thing and would be better served if the answer was always no or always yes.

I've learned that missing the last 3 months in the quiet, dark womb really interferes with brain development. Instead of that quiet slumber in which to develop, a preemie's brain is thrust into a world of bright lights, beeping alarms, and lots of pain. All things which that tiny brain is not prepared or supposed to be able to process and handle. How can we expect to them to behave completely "normal"?

A quote from a recent study - "It found that premature children had higher levels of anxiety, depression and aggression than full term children, and that they had a lower self concept. Premature children were found to have more disturbances at home and school. The smaller the birth weight, the less emotionally adjusted the child will be."

Now I am not saying that I think Gavin has any significant problems that are going to hold him back. But it's nice to have some validation of these nagging feelings I've been having. That even though I've read tons of articles on behavior and parenting and try my hardest, he is still a difficult child and nothing I'm doing seems to help. And the worst part is - he doesn't want to meltdown. He doesn't want to have privileges taken away, any more than we want to do the taking. He WANTS to do the right thing, but it really feels like sometimes he just can't control himself.

Some other Gavin traits that may be attributed to prematurity - lack of confidence (Gavin is a perfectionist and afraid of doing things for fear of getting it wrong - more so academic than physical), inability to adapt to new situations or the unexpected (as in the extreme freakouts we get when we tell him one person will pick him up and someone else shows up). We avoid telling him of any plans because if Uncle Chris doesn't come to dinner or Grandma Betsy doesn't come over on a night we told him, he just can't handle it.

It's just nice to know....we're not bad parents. We're not doing something wrong. There could really be a medical explanation for some of his behavior. And the thing about it is that it won't show up until they are older b/c all toddlers act up. Gavin just seems stuck in the terrible twos some days.

The only thing I haven't found is how to "fix" it. And what sucks the most is that he "looks" normal. He "looks" caught up. And he's really freaking smart. I'm not sure that knowing any of this helps anything, but it is kind of nice to have a little more insight into why he may be the way he is. I only hope it can make me a more tolerant and patient parent, and in that, we can start to turn a corner on this.

Sam

Sam is rarely grumpy, but here is a shot of what he looks like when he is

Learning to crawl is tiring work. He can get himself scooted a very small way. He'll work at it for quite a while before getting tired out

This is typical happy Samson. Notice his lack of "lounging" in his lounge chair - he always wants to sit up like a big boy these days! Still not sitting on his own, but getting closer every day.

Good News!

Well, Chad was quick to point out that he was right, so we will give him credit here. The diagnosis is to just wait and see and hope he outgrows this.

X-Rays: showed nothing of concern. No stenosis (narrowing). While this test is not great for diagnosing Hirschsprungs, she was looking for a section that was stretched out which may have indicated there was a section with the missing cells below, and didn't see it. She didn't feel it was necessary to put him through the biopsy to diagnose this disease at this time. It's not a painful test, but he would be sedated, so I was happy about that.

Exam: showed no blood in the stool, which would indicate a food allergy. So I get to keep pumping as usual.

Reflux: She saw him "spit up quite a bit" as she said while we were there (it was actually a very small spit for him!) and observed he wasn't in pain, so our meds are working. She said to expect the reflux to get worse before it gets better.

She explained the whole pooping process and basically thinks he is uncoordinated and needs to outgrow it. We should keep doing to juice as that seems to help keep him regular, and told us how much he can have a day if necessary. We can also use suppositories if he is uncomfortable, but if we need to use them more than twice a week, we will go back in and start looking for allergies, or perhaps do the biopsy. She said we can also start the cereal again, and recommended trying oats instead of rice.

Now, we all know how impatient I am, and that I want a fix, and am not good at wait and see. BUT, you may remember when Gav was such a sick puppy between 9 - 18 months. Croup, ear infections once a month (even after tubes), 4 bouts of rota-virues, constant colds and cough, all leading up to a 3 day stint in the hospital, 2 weeks fever viruses, buying a nebulizer, and finally a trip to the allergist. I wanted answers as to why he was so sick all the time. The allergist, who had also been an immunologist, reminded me that he was a preemie, he was born with no immune system, and he was more than likely going to outgrow this. You know what? He didn't get sick after that appt. He got the usual one or two ear infections a year, but by no means continued his constantly sick cycle.

Sometimes you do just have to wait and see, and sometimes they really do outgrow it. So I am fine with the diagnosis.

And while I HATE that the doctor had me totally freaked out that this was something serious, I have to step back and think about why life throws these experiences in your path. That these things happen and make you realize what the priorities are. That I am a person that lets work consume my life and take a number one spot on the priority list before my kids. That it's ok to want a career and to be successful, but I need to remember that the reason I am working so hard is FOR my family to have a great life, but part of that great life includes me being present in their lives. I do need a kick in the pants every once in a while to make me remember that.

May I also mention something that made my heart just sing last night and confirmed how "worth it" all the pregnancy issues, etc it was to have Sam and to give Gavin a sibling.

Gavin, sitting on the couch last night, while I was sitting on the other couch with Sam. "Mom, can I see my best buddy?"

Oh yes, yes you can. It doesn't get any better than that.

GI Appt on Wed

Well, this was a little annoying. I am not the happiest with the communication from our Dr's office these days.

My phone rang last night and it was the automated reminder service from Blank. Telling me I had an appt 9 am Wed for th GI doctor.

No one called the schedule the appt with me. Fortunately, I was able to clear my schedule to make it work!

So good news, we have an appointment and will get some answers tomorrow morning. Bad news, I am thinking of switching doctors. I had a really bad experience getting Sam's synagis figured out as well, miscommunication/lost communication among the individuals that were supposed to be coordinating it. It's just hard to switch when they have all the kids history there, and I like that it is actually part of the hospital.

If anyone has a good recommendation on a pediatrician, I would love it.

Doctor, Doctor, Give me the news.....

I've got a bad case of.......impatience.

Sigh, still nothing. But Sam was happy as can be last night, even with all the passing around that was done of him at Gamma's. And for that, am I ever grateful.