At his 2 pm feeding, Samson ate 20 ml of his bottle and promptly threw it back up. Two steps forward, one back. He does look awfully cute in his yellow rocket ship sleeper though.
So I keep getting comments on how well I am handling this, and for the most part, I do have a very positive outlook. But starting Wednesday, some negativity started taking over, so I am going to give myself a moment to meltdown, and move on.
It started when the lactation consultant came to check on how I was doing. When I told her what my "output" was she responded "That's.....ok". Really? That's a supportive answer? How about "That's great, it must be really stressful having a baby in the hospital and good job with the pumping. It's wonderful that you get up every three hours in the middle of the night, when you must be exhausted and all you want is a good night's sleep. And if you want some tips, here's what you could do." Maybe that would have been a better answer than "ok". As if having a preemie in the hospital doesn't give you enough of an inferiority complex.
I'm so sick of this hospital. I'm grateful that they give nursing mothers free meals, but I'm really getting sick of the food. I'm so tired of the ups and downs. I hate that for at least half the day, I am dependent on other people to care for my baby, and I know he's not getting a fraction of the love that he would be at home. I hate that I can't "fix" this, I'm just not good at the wait and see. When I am not here, I feel like I am letting Sam down, when I stay here late, I feel like I am letting Gav down. I hate sitting here all day, but I don't feel like I could be anywhere else. I hate that he started off so well last weekend because it got our hopes up that he wouldn't be here long. This whole situation just sucks, and I am so ready for it to be over.
On the other hand, thank you to everyone for your terrific support. Thanks for my friends that email me every day, and thanks for my friend who is taking Gavin off our hands for a few hours on Sunday. Thanks to our family, and especially to my awesome husband and to Gavin who is being an incredibly good kid through all of this. I'm just so ready for us to all be a family at home. Gavin hasn't even met his brother!
All right, my meltdown is over. They keep telling us one day things will just "click". Keep hoping that day is tomorrow.